I am Nobody's Rakhi Brother...

It happened to me once and I have decided not to let it happen again. Not after the agony I endured for a mistake as small as the one I committed that day.
It was a normal day. As usual, some seven years back to be precise.when i was in 10th standard of New Era Public School.I had my breakfast, taken a shower, and lugging my school bag, was off to school. Not that I loved it, but the fact that after almost a night i was going to meet my friends again oh! those were the best days of my life still miss them a lot! anyways, back to the story now...

I had been asked to come early by a one of my batch mates - a girl at that - and I was in no mood to disappoint her.

I walked on. I knew I was smiling. After all, not everyday did a girl come to me and say: “shakeeb, why don’t you come early tomorrow morning.”
Did she want to propose? Did she like me? Though I would have preferred somebody better, she was kinda on the okay side.
Did she want to propose? Did she like me? Though I would have preferred somebody better, she was kinda on the okay side. Actually, I knew beauty is but skin deep. So I decided that I would accept it as soon as she proposed.

I was 14 or 15 at that time and big enough. I qualified as a teenager and I guess it was time I had a girl to call mine. And she was smart … and beautiful.

We in New Era had separate wings one for boys and the other for girls. To reach her classroom, I had to cross the Principal’s office. It was wide open. And I could see him prancing about his room like a curious thanedaar waiting for a thief to take it for an interrogation. I wanted to avoid a lecture from him.

Being a latecomer, I had every chance of getting a lecture from the old man. Somehow, I escaped his early morning warm-up. At that time I had thought lady luck was on my side. Little did I realize that lady luck was like the Red Indians, who believed that only unhurt men qualified for human sacrifices.

Anyways, I moved on and as I entered her classroom, I could see that she was waiting for me. She was alone and if I am not wrong I noticed a glow around her face. Something, that had missed my attention all these days. I knew she wanted to say something important but was just a wee bit hesitant.

Damn i don't know how to start a conversation with a pretty girl... was i nervous who me? na! shakeeb and nervous that was far cry! but what was happening to me that day i was shivering in front of her. There were some stupid things going on in my mind, am i looking cool, am i handsome enough, is my hair well set? though i had put some brylcream on my hair that day and shaved my soft face for the occasion.
I walked towards her. She stood still. She was radiating energy and I could tell that she was working wonders on me....
I walked towards her. She stood still. She was radiating energy and I could tell that she was working wonders on me. I moved closer. Her innocence showed. Through the corner of my eyes I saw that her bag was open and a greeting card was neatly placed next to it. My heart started pounding. Was it a heart shaped card? oh my God i am going to receive my first proposal of life... Is she going to give it to me?

She smiled. Something was amiss. And then she asked, “shakeeb, will you be my brother.” Brother!!! i was dumb silent after a long pause of about a minute or so i gulped my whole saliva which was swimming in my mouth due to the excitement, Brother!!! ah aa! ahumm ahum ahum... why not sure!anything for you si.. sis... sister. "oh thanks a lot shakeeb you know you are the sweetest person i have ever met, you are so well behaved and you never misbehave with anyone in the bus. i Knew you are a perfect gentlemen." Thanks a lot si..sister."will you please do me a favor". ya sure why not sister anything for you."could you please pass this greeting card to your friend Faheem please, i guess he is your best friend na".(me with my whole jaw wide open!) ya he is my best pal, sure i will pass it to him. She no longer seemed innocent!.......

Alec Smart said : believe in everything , Trust Nothing.
Shakeeb replied: Trust everybody but Girls! excuse me!.

written by : Shakeeb Ashai

When i got Kidnapped...

This was the last thing I expected. I can understand when a pretty girl gets kidnapped by a rowdy for sex (read Sita getting kidnapped by Ravana)or when a rich kid gets kidnapped for money….but me? This was the heights.

It all started with an irresponsible statement by Owais (if you want to send him hate messages, click here for Owais'sFacebook profile).

Last Wednesday I went to his desk in Kashmir University for a very innocent, “Good morning!”

He responded: “Good morning, rich guy!”

At this, one of his class friend – a young, aspiring kid who has just finished his graduation and joined Kashmir University looked up and asked: “Rich guy?” Why?

That’s when Owais let out the irresponsible statement. He said: “Did you know…behind his funny blog he has other blogs on Autos, Cricket, Mobile Reviews etc…which help him earn 100 thousands every month?”

A man (and woman) is always left wondering under such circumstances. I wondered if I should let the ignorance pass by or tell them the truth that it was not like that. Ignorance is bliss, elders have said…so I didn’t open my mouth. Besides, it felt good to be held in awe.

But the problem with an appreciative statement is that everybody holds up their ear to hear your response to the appreciation – which puts you under tremendous amounts of pressure. Should you act humble and downplay it by saying something like “yeah right owais! Next you will say that my fingers are insured for Rs 5 crores!” Something like “Ohhh…this is nothing owais. I used to earn 1000 thousands every month before the recession kicked in.”

Anyway, I didn’t say anything and walked away with a grin.

While walking away, I did notice a glint in the eyes of Ibrahim wani & Jaswinder singh, the two young graduates who study with owais in Kashmir University. Back then I didn’t realize that these kids could kidnap me and demand a ransom from my girl friend laila.(name changed)

I wouldn’t tell you how these two kids kidnapped me. But I can assure you that I didn’t walk into the trap wanting an ‘ice cream.’ The gratification they offered was much bigger - a three hour meeting with Priyanka Chopra, all alone.

Once in a stinking lodge, I started to cry. They did try to console me with ice creams and pop corn but their choice of snacks showed their lack of experience in kidnapping adult clients. My Favorite butter chicken would have made some sense.

They then called up laila and made her hear my cries. I was so glad laila didn’t ask for some proof of the kidnapping for they would have cut my ear and sent it across to her. I don’t mind losing my ear but the problem was…laila wouldn’t have been able to recognize my ear – she last saw it from close quarters during our date in some part of octomber2008.

Here is how the conversation between laila and my kidnappers go:

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We have Shakeeb…you are at our mercy now.”

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: Do you have a piece of paper & a pen?

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: Note down our demands…and don’t try to be smart and go to the police.

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We need twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees to release shakeeb.”

laila: “And…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: And a get away vehicle – a Maruti car to be sent to the lodge where we are staying.

laila: “Is this your first kidnapping?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: There are two firsts in this kidnapping - first time we are kidnapping an adult. And also, this is our first kidnapping after our graduation.”

laila: “Not bad.”

Why isn’t laila panicking? Does she think that I am staging this because even after eight years of relationship she doesn’t allow me to own a credit card? Does she think I am staging this just to get her needed attention???

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “You have 24 hours to give us twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “You will have to create a profile on Facebook.com, the social networking site and send a friendship request to the ID called ‘Kidnapper007’.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Once you do that…we will send you directions to the place where you have to drop the money bag.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We will call again.”

After the call, Ibrahim and Jaswinder bought me masala chola for the night. And to make up for the promise that I will get to spend time with Priyanka Chopra alone…they bought the movie ‘Dostana’…and left me alone in the room to watch. If only they had untied my hands, I could have switched on the DVD player.

Exactly 24 hours later, they called laila again.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We guess the money is ready.”

laila: “Aren’t you assuming things?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Don’t get too smart…we can be nasty with your boyfriend shakeeb.”

laila: “We don’t have that much money. In fact, I have been asking him to buy a vacuum cleaner for the last four months and he hasn’t been able to buy it for even my sake, you know his room stinks every time i visit his place.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We don’t want to get into your domestic issues. Can you pay that money or not?”

laila: “No I can’t. He hasn’t even bought a single gold ornament for me ever since we have been together.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Come on girl…be strong. Pay us just 10 lakhs and get your boyfriend back.”

laila: “I can’t do that. He gives away all his money to his mother.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: laila, we have put in a lot of effort and taken a lot of risk and you need to understand that. You need to pay us at least four lakhs and get your boyfriend released.

laila: “No way. Where will I go for the money…despite me advising him against it, he spent all savings in doing party every night at boulevard and khayam eating tuji.we have got no money in hand.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “How about 2 lakhs?”

laila: 2 lakhs? If I had two lakhs…wouldn’t I get my boyfriend shakeeb a new nano car,who drives maruti suzuki 800 of his father and that too year 2002 made, after all it is a matter of Pride in my friend circle?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Considering your financial problems, our Executive Board would like to convene and discuss the issue over. We will give you a call in another ten minutes.

laila: Just make it quick. The Sa re ga ma pa little champs Singer contest begins on ZeeTv in another 20 minutes…would be nice if we can finish this discussion before that.

After keeping the phone down, both Ibrahim and Jaswinder gave me a look I can’t forget. They then went outside to discuss things over. After 10 minutes of discussion, they called laila again.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: We understand your financial troubles and have decided to give you a ninety percent discount and now you only have to give fifty thousand and fifty five rupees only.

laila: “Trust me, I won’t be able to afford even that. I have a back up in place – I have got my boyfriend to get a good insurance in his name.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: How is this insurance going to help you in this negotiation? You have no choice but to pay us.

laila: “You can’t arm twist me. You can do whatever you want with my boyfriend.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…”

I didn’t know my girl friend was Kevin Spacey and Samuel L Jackson rolled into one (have you seen Hollywood movie The Negotiator?) Whatever her intent, she definitely was succeeding. But the million dollar question remained which of the two M's did my girl friend prefer – Money or Me?

laila: Just out of curiosity…why was your first quote twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees? Why not just twelve lakhs?

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…we spent Rs five hundred on an AC cab to transfer your boyfriend to the lodge. And Rs 50 on renting a ‘Dostana’ DVD.

laila: “Ohhh…ok. Why talk of what I can’t give…lets talk positive…lets talk of what I can give.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…that would be nice.”

laila: “I can give you five hundred and fifty rupees. What do you say?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…we will have to call you back. Is that fine?”

After keeping the phone down, both Ibrahim and Jaswinder gave me another look. Did the negotiations break down? Will I be killed? Before I could ask them…the kidnappers left the room for discussions. Again, they came back and called up laila.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “How would you want to give us the five hundred and fifty rupees? We are fine with it.”

laila: “You will have to bring my boyfriend shakeeb home, and the moment you hand him over…I will give you a check for the said amount.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “What is the assurance that the police wouldn’t be waiting for us in your house?”

laila: “Up to you…either you take the five hundred and fifty or you keep my boyfriend.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Ok…Ok…don’t get angry. We will be there in an hours time.”

It was Sunday.They went to laila's home, and exchanged me with laila for a check of rupees five hundred and fifty. Thankfully, there were no policemen inside the house…for there could have been exchange of fire…and my girl friend’s wall decorations would have been affected.

I couldn’t face laila the whole day. On Monday The next day while leaving for Kashmir university, she asked: “Do you know the J&k Bank customer care number? I want to put a stop payment on a cheque.”

I gave her the number…but didn’t ask her which cheque this was.

Alec Smart said: certainly Your girl friend Laila prefers the bigger M..."Money"
Shakeeb replied: Thank God she is only my girl friend and not my wife :)

written by : Shakeeb Ashai

The Pinta Style...

The below photographs are taken from Qazi Mamoon's album on Facebook "koshur pinta style", All credits of these hilarious captions goes to him.A brief intro about my genius brother and friend mamoon: Qazi Mamoon is a freelance writer, illustrator, photographer and an all-round do-it-all generalist. Born in Srinagar, Studied In Burn Hall School, Now at International Islamic University Malaysia. He can be mailed at mamoonq@gmail.com

caption:kosh kya chu ... zane koren Matric Pass

Caption: mummy mummy wechi...The terminator...

Caption: yew gow nabe pistol.. aemis chuw sharaarath khotmut..

Caption: ye gayi sen statue of liberty ...maisuma srinagar...

Caption: Dopmai hai.. Me seet yikhe Nishat Bagh.... Yemave kor Kashmir university hund Naseem bagh badnaam..

Caption: ye chu logmut chochen... a youth trying to suicide near amera kadal sgr, reason : Love gov nakaam.

Caption: ye gai lady Malinson... Yenow zukaam karew...

Any further comments and suggestions are welcomed at : shakeeb.ashia@gmail.com

Kashmiri Sholay...

10000 plus views, This clip is a must watch.. Captured by TOK ( Times of Kashmir - Qazi Mamoon) This is a small and funny version of the Kashmiri Sholay.. Very funny...
If you want to watch it on YouTube itself.. Here is the Link..

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=-B9bknwZgGc

Otherwise Just Click Play... And Enjoy the next one minute...

Humor Uncensored...

All and every credit of these wonderful n hilarious pictures goes to "Qazi Mamoon."

caption: "yeth manz tomul chus.. be musafir hai..."

caption: "Bittu scientist, na kari panu kaem na di chahchas karne..."

caption: "Aaaye ye Gaav Class dith, Pagah aasi ye Education Minister..."

caption: Ye Gov Soan Sarkari School, Prayer Time: "Lab pe aati hai dua banke tamana mere."

What if there were No Women in the World?

Here is the truth: God made man and finding himself in good form…came up with a better creation – the woman. (Did I just hear the ladies clap?)

Anyways….I was wondering what would have happened if God didn’t make woman for man. Thus, all men were left to fend for themselves. Scary shit. Think about it….

How will we become fathers? Who will tell us the good news that we are about to become fathers? For whom will we sit outside a gynecologist’s and imagine a conspiracy theory being hatched against us? With whom will we walk in the evenings? Whenever we pass by a bakery, whom will we stop for? For whom will we shop? And the questions go on.

Now for the real Male Chauvinistic part. Who will make tea in the morning and wake us up with a sweet smile? Who will scold us for taking the newspaper inside the washroom? Who will nag us to take bath early? Who will call up the office when we are down with fever? Who will iron our clothes when we are in a hurry? Who will wave at us when we race our bike/car towards the office? Who will be ready with piping hot coffee when we go back home? Who will help us with the washing machine?

Needless to say, with no woman in this World, life wouldn’t be the same. Imagine living with another man in your house. Scary! We all would be gays…and wonder how the human race will propagate. Perhaps…we would have found out a way to make test tube babies…but even then where would be egg come from? Gorillas? Wouldn’t that make the Human race huge and hairy?

On Saturday nights…the pubs and clubs would be full of men trying to woo each other. The only advantage as I see would be…we wouldn’t have to buy mock-tails, ice-cream and pop-corn to impress!

“what if all men in the World were gay and all women in the world were lesbians”. lol

Hope you guys and girls out there know any solution besides women ...

Comment On This...

Do i need to write any caption for this image? This picture itself depicts the mental trauma and humiliation faced by our kashmiri sisters and mothers each and everyday because of the Indian forces and recent shopian rape and murder case of Asiya (17) and Neelofar (22) justifies it all. “The ill-fated duo were raped even after their death,” .I am letting on you people to decide what should be the caption of this image.Perhaps i got this image from my very innocent and sweet friend and brother Qazi mamoon's Album " Kashur Pinta Style " On FACEBOOK. He had captioned this image as "Photwu laal kaale waatluw.. kolal legwe saani balai.. phatve gardan" perhaps it sounds a bit humerus to ears but it is thing of concern. In place of this young girl walking at ameera kadal just consider your own sister,daughter or mother being stared at ...what will you do ??? will you make a caption just to impress someone or create a fun out that situation? Or you will kill that bastard? By calling a strike/hartal or performing ragda ragda wont do anything literally One needs to act now if not now than never...